dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
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Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.