@KevinBuffalo: The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
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@david8hughes: [speaking at funeral] Deceased's brother: there's no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now Me: what about 'anguish'?
@Mikecanrant: Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.
@myonlymizztake: Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for... Billy Joel's 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
@IamEnidColeslaw: I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks