The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
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[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
More like Kate Missington.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary