Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?