The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
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“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
2023 was just a warmup
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract