The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Social Media and Real life
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.