You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February