[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
*mops up wine with cat*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
A flock of dads is called a grill.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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