@GuyConfused: The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
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@MrBikferd: Guys: when you're shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don't want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
@wife3kidsnodogs: Wife: I'm hungry! Me: I'll order pizza Wife: YOU THINK I'M FAT! Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already? Wife: WHAT?! Me: what what??
@TheSnideOne: Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don't owe on any student loans.