[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
We cut our bangs at dawn.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.