@TheMichaelRock: The best salesperson ever was the first woman to shave off her eyebrows and draw them back on, then convince a second woman to do it.
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@briangaar: Me: Honey, are you awake? [wife rustles] Hmmm? Me: When we were fighting & you said "Wolverine's powers suck," did you really mean that
@iwearaonesie: wife: The school called. Guess why? [flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69] me: Why?
@TomSchally: For as much as they teach you "Stop, Drop, and Roll" as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
@JesKeepSwimming: THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE? Oh, that's not what pansexual means. Carry on then.