@TheBoydP: The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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@FunkyFresh_79: Greatest days of my life: 3) Day I got married 2) Day my first kid was born 1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, please... You'll make a pass at anything in a skirt. Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
@TheAlexNevil: *watching an old Lassie show Me: How come you can't do those things? Dog (mutters): If we had a well I'd push you into it.