The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
all that yoga finally paid off
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?