[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Good boy 😂😂
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.