It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
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Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.