Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.