Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
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Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
🌱🌱🌱
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.