The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
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Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Every house has this drawer
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
BRO LMFAO
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes