Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
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Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.