@BarebakAssassin: The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won't be known as their "worst regret" when you break up.
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@smint: Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never 'accidentally' hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
@WheelTod: [Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon] Her: You looked different in your profile picture. Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
@SassyPantssss: I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
@AmericanGent69: If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.