The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward