The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
me doing my best
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
May your day taste like creamy soup.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Is this a threat?
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.