When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
You Might Also Like
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!