@matt_simpson84: The best thing about Facebook is learning about all the 19-year-olds that miss the 80s.
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@animaldrumss: moron: "duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea" me: try getting tacos instead, genius
@dyldonot: [tv interview] I'm with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you? [cut to Amy crying] MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
@DepecheALAmode: I want my funeral to be sad and completely serious. Then right when my coffin starts lowering into the ground the song from Tetris plays.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I'm way tougher than you. Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural. Me: So? Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.