Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening