@Sarcasticsapien: The best thing about going on a date with a sarcastic person is that no matter what happens they're going to tell you they had a great time.
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@AndrewNadeau0: If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
@Amburglar_: Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on "Pitch Perfect" then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
@Pirate_nurse: Don't forget to put everybody before her so she has no clue whether you really give a shit or not
@Playing_Dad: [God, wasted, creating humans] Angel: How do they cool themselves off? God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them. Angel: How...Ok.