lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
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My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.