@Sarcasticsapien: The best thing about going on a date with a sarcastic person is that no matter what happens they're going to tell you they had a great time.
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@BuckyIsotope: OLD MAN: I fought in WWII ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio OLD MAN: what ME: Can you rocket jump? OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
@Shanehasabeard: Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
@msdanifernandez: [dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
@KeetPotato: wife: "what on earth are you doing?" me: "making a penguin" wife: "that's a pigeon" me: [opening freezer door] "not for long"