The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
You Might Also Like
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
#Caturday
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!