@Contwixt: The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
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@jjax44: I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
@XplodingUnicorn: [breaking up yet another fight] Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters? 6-year-old: Because I always win.
@ericsshadow: [first date] I'm really nervous about this. It's been a long time since I've [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
@prontopup: "OMG IT'S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I'VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I'VE EVER KNOWN!!!" - Drivers, apparently.