The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
technically true but not a great slogan