The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
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If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried