Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
do u think theres a butter planet?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom