@TheCatWhisprer: The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
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@JoshuaHvr: Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I'm Tweeting." Boss: "What's the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
@david8hughes: [alligator store] Clerk: $1500. Thanks Me: not gonna say bye to him? Clerk: uh Me: say it Clerk: goodbye Me: say "see you later alligator"
@sarcasm_inc: "2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN'T HAVE FITTING ROOMS," I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.