@TheCatWhisprer: The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
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@KentWGraham: MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [Bad magician coroner] is this your husband's body [widow] no [Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband's body
@trevso_electric: Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.