The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
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People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.