this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.