Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
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#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.