@SeanBlazed: The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.
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@click4amanda: Officer: "Do you know why I'm standing here?" Me: "You got all C's in High School?"
@beisswrandon: The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you're going to donate them to charity.
@MartaEffing: *sees person I know in a crowd* *waves enthusiastically* * realizes I don't know person* * changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*
@djdarrellripley: Him: Where'd you get that black eye? Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...