@jake_lach: The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it's okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
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@mostunladylike: Yog see woman Yog ask woman out Yog go on date Yog fall in love Yog act like an idiot Yog get dumped Yoghurt.
@EndhooS: Wife: He's always lying about his celebrity connections.. Therapist: Is this true? Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
@jimmytorosian: *Rubs lamp* *Nothing happens* Where's the genie? *Takes off lampshade* What's wrong with this thing?
@kalindi_rana: I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I love it. Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn't even funny the first time.