@jake_lach: The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it's okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
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@sammyrhodes: One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
@tekkie: Girlfriend: Ok you hang up :-) Boyfriend: No You hang up first :-) Girlfriend: no you first Boyfriend: No you first NSA: both of you hang up
@jake_likes_naps: [accidentally calls teacher "mom"] MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something. ME: what's for dinner tonight BRAIN: what