@jake_lach: The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it's okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
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@ComedicBust: *Speed Dating* Me: What'd you have for lunch? Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit... Me: NEXT!!
@3sunzzz: [Halloween] Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume! 14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I'M SHEET-FACED.
@bharatunnithan: [Going to Starbucks for the first time] *Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised* [a little later] 'Hi can I have Lall Tatte?'
@simoncholland: And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.