The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Scream sneezers need love too.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done