me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
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I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
In case you needed to hear it:
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this