Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
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How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together