@simoncholland: The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don't work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
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@kelkulus: Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I'd probably have done better if they'd specified that they didn't mean by tickling.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know how fast you were going? "55?" Cop: Faster. "217." Cop: Um, no, 72. "24?" Cop: I already told y- "Negative 6?" Cop: Get out.
@Mr_Kapowski: Real Estate Agent: Do you want to look at the model homes? Me: I'm flattered you think I'm a model but I'll just look at the regular homes
@GoldenSpirals: My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished. There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.