The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
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The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.