“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know