The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
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I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*