first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.