Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
You Might Also Like
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Finally!
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs