[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
You Might Also Like
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I have a black belt in leather
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings