trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
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“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.