The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
socratic questions
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*