@JasonLastname: The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
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@ohen39: doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made
@LurkAtHomeMom: 90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
@TheAlexNevil: At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think "I wish I could be a shark".
@RollAroundSue: 7: Its the last week of school so we don't have to go. Can I stay home? Me: Ha! Nice try, kid. Teacher: Its true. Me: Ha! NICE TRY, TEACHER.