The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles