@jwoodham: The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn't matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.
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@KeetPotato: [talking to my guide dog] this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again [from a nearby speaker] "FIFTEEN-LOVE"
@Just_Lee_: My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I'm disgusted. What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?
@TheMichaelRock: Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.