YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
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It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Favourite diary entry ever
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.