@DamonHunzeker: The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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@Dirty_Naomi: 2 Jehovah's witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop. If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.
@weinerdog4life: As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald's Playland ball pit
@matt___nelson: [at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I'm a koala] Waiter: "what can I get u?" "do u have any eucalyptus?" *restaurant goes quiet*
@montgomaryrock: Give a man a six pack and he'll drink for a day. Give him a 24 pack and he'll drink for a day.