The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs