My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
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What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle