@omgthatspunny: The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
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@lm_GrumpyCat: I'm not saying I hate you, I'm just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.
@TheWoodenslurpy: My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me. "It's not you," he said, looking around. "It's them."
@maxlavergne: your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
@weinerdog4life: A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away