<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Watson was Holmes schooled
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*