How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
man i love columbo
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
goldfish mafia
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.