The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
You Might Also Like
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.