@Laser_Cat: The best way to get a job is to hold the other person's hand through the interview. If you don't get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
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@JackalAnon: So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
@38percentsure: "I'm half black and I'm trying to decide who I want to have kids with. Do I want them to have every advantage in life, or be able to dance?"
@JonasPolsky: I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio -- so I committed suicide twice.
@Henry_3k: As ice water runs down my face I conclude, "Boy, you sure like to eat bread!" is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.