The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter