You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
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[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
🤣😂
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
welp
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this