cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.