The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas